Palpitate
by mochamaker
Summary: The touch of your skin, the heat of your breath, are no longer with me in this physical realm.


I do not own the characters. I'm so not making a profit off this. A spoiler for a Season Three episode. I can't remember the name at the moment, but you SVU obsessed fans will remember it from my snippets of descriptions.

Rated M but is really probably a T…

_Olivia POV_

**Palpitate**

"Hey El," I turn in my desk chair to gaze at my partner over the top of my reading glasses, worn for the purpose of writing my reports and ask loudly, "do you remember that case two years ago where that lady finance executive helped to rape the male stripper-dancer? We were called in for the first woman that hung herself, but she really didn't. The finance lady helped to kill her. Do you remember?"

He blows on his coffee, tilts the cup to his mouth and sips loudly. After he swallows he says, "um…yeah I do. In a vague sort of way. Why?"

"Our new ADA Novak reminds me a little bit of the finance executive. I had to shake my head in disbelief last month when I first met her. Probably looked like a bug-eyed idiot too."

"I've known Casey for a while and she won't think less of you for it. But yeah, you're right. They are similar. Could be twins. Stranger things have happened around here." He shakes his head, sets down his mug and goes back to his own stack of reports, leaving me to stare off and contemplate our conversation.

A name floats through my head…Amelia. I bite my lip and think. Her name was Amelia Chase, so very different from the plain name of Casey. Thinking back on the case and the day, I remember it was Doctor Warner's suggestion we dust the ceiling around the knotted, looped rope at the crime scene. Doctor Warner rarely suggests CSU type stuff so I went with it, trusting her professionalism.

We found prints. Specifically, Amelia's. And that's how we were able to catch Miss Amelia and were able to weasel a confession out of her. I was so happy that day for a variety of reasons. I remember being at the scene and feeling eyes on me. I looked over to see Melinda staring at my neck, gaping at the hickey Alex left earlier that morning.

My eyes drift down to my desk and I cough against the building lump the memory causes.

_Don't dwell on the past Benson_. I sigh and stretch my arms above my head briefly before leaning forward to complete my own stack of reports.

An hour later, I glance up at Elliot and he is watching me write. "What?" I ask with a scowl and a shrug.

He answers softly, "that woman, she was into that autoerotic shit wasn't she?"

"Yes, remember the bruises from her rope. That's how we got a confession; she freaked when… Cabot made her show her neck." I swallow the large lump in my throat as I think of the beautiful Alexandra Cabot as she looked that day in the interview room, and of how it made my heart hurt just to gaze at her. I used to kiss Alex's neck as I made love to her, so very similar in shape to my memory of Amelia's.

"Not now," I whisper under my breath. Alex is now gone to me for an undisclosed amount of time. I blink to keep my tears in and away from Elliot's penetrating gaze.

"Novak will never be equal to Cabot in my eyes Olivia. Just know that." Elliot says softly, looking at me with his affectionate hazel eyes. _Different from Alex's. Everything is so very different now. _

I nod and say, "thank you. I mean it."

"Anytime okay?"

A tiny tear trails down my cheek and I brush it away quickly. "Yeah."

I stand up from my desk slowly, and lean on my hands, dropping my head in defeat. _I need to leave_. Coughing gently, I turn to Elliot, gaze at him with my blinking eyes and softly say, "I need to get away for a while. Can you cover me with Cap?"

I grab my jacket off my chair and take off my glasses, setting them in my desk drawer and closing it with a slight bang.

"Sure. Be careful and call if you need me," Elliot answers and nods at me.

I remain silent, the lump in my throat growing larger by the minute. _Leave Olivia_, my brain tells my body. I obey, flipping on my leather jacket as I walk out the squad doors and down the stairwell, feeling too impatient to wait for the slow elevator. I'm down and out before I realize, open the entrance door and walk out into the fresh, but smoggy New York air, pausing on the sidewalk to bend at the waist and suck in deep breaths. Each exhale I say Alex in my head. _Fuck_, I miss her something fierce.

Only four weeks have passed and I'm still an emotional wreck. I keep my hurt bottled within and tight. Only Elliot knows of my true pain, having watched my eyes the night I said goodbye to my lover for what may have been the last time. _Will the memories fade?_

I stand up, not wanting to draw attention but fuck its New York, nobody cares about anyone else. I wipe my nose on my smooth sleeve, not caring about the stain my snot will leave and walk. _One step at a time Liv_. _That's what the shrinks say right? _I stare at my feet as they move, oblivious to my destination. Walk and think, walk and think becomes my mantra with each step; the rhythm of my steps centering my turmoil, slowing down my palpitating heart.

My feet stop moving and I look up. I'm at Hogan's place where the ADA offices reside. My heart beats quickly now, my lungs stretching fully with each suck of cold air. I open the door and walk inside, not thinking why, just going. _Keep moving. _

I wait for the elevator this time and ride up with two others to the ninth floor. I turn right and walk twelve steps. I'm standing in front Alex's office door. What was Alex's office. I blink away my blurry vision as I stare at the new name on the glass, the Homicide ADA for the 1-6 now residing in the closet-like space.

I hear a loud click from two doors down, followed by the clack of heels down the hall. The noise acts like a vise around my heart as I remember the clack of Alex as she walked down this very hall, usually to meet me in her office for an afternoon lovemaking session. I stare at the floor and avoid eye contact with the newcomer about to walk beside me.

The woman pauses, and I feel a hand touch my shoulder, resting on me until I look up. I let the hot tears trail down my cheeks, but I don't look up. I can't. I'm afraid too. The hand grips my leather-covered shoulder tight.

"Detective Benson." I hear the woman whisper my name. I part my lips to answer but instead I gasp, a soft sob escaping before I can contain it. A warm, soft handkerchief is placed in my left hand, the woman clasping my fingers gently.

She must know why I'm crying in front of a closed office door; my relationship with Alex was probably fodder for ADA gossip. I've been lucky that my squad mates fail to live up to their detective badges, and still remain oblivious to how much I love Alex. I sat through her funeral pale and silent. Not a tear in my eyes, I had to look tough for both Alex and I. And I knew I could grieve in private because Alex really was lost to me.

The realization makes my knees wobble and I fear I might collapse where I stand.

The grip loosens and travels down my arm to grip my elbow. The soft voice whispers, "come on," and I let the hand pull me down the hall from where she came from, and I meekly walk with her into her office. She turns and closes the door. I finally raise my eyes and look at my rescuer. Casey Novak stares back at me. I gaze into her green eyes and watch as they shimmer much as my own must.

I try to say thank you but the words catch in my burning throat, my mouth opening and closing like a fish. She watches me and takes the initiative to fetch me a glass of water from her cooler in the corner.

"Sit down," she commands as she hands me the water and grabs my elbow to help me stumble over to her ratty loveseat. A soft push and my butt hit the slightly flattened cushion with a squeak. She sits beside me, but remains silent.

I take several sips of the cool water she brought me and lean back, my body melting of its previous strength. I take a deep breath and exhale. "I miss Alex," I shakily say, avoiding her green eyes. A warm hand clasps my clenched fist as it rests on my trembling thigh.

"I know you do. I'm sorry for your loss. I heard about the two of you when I worked WC. I silently cheered you two when I first listened to the gossip. We ADA's are worse than the elderly for watching and commenting about others."

I nod and say, "thank you. Really."

"I didn't know her well, but she was a great prosecutor and a wonderful person to work with." My jaw trembles and I nod again. I wipe my eyes on the handkerchief still resting between my fingers and sniff. The soft cloth smells of a woman's perfume. I inhale the scent and find I like its subtlety. Most women wear too much perfume nowadays. Alex always wore just the right amount. _Am I never going to smell her again?_

A sob escapes my lips before I can contain it within and I let it go and shut my eyes tight, a fresh flood of tears streaming down. Casey wraps her arm around me and forces my head down onto her shoulder. I cry into her oxford cloth shoulder and slump into her.

I hear her say, "Shh. Shh. Calm down darling."

My gasping breaths halt me from asking her why she calls me darling. At least she didn't say baby. Alex called me baby as I made her come with my tongue. More tears gush down my cheeks, burning my skin with the salt.

I feel a cool, soft set of lips press against my temple, soft and slow, holding on for a few heartbeats before pulling away. Then another. I sigh and squeeze my eyes shut. The lips move to my eyebrow, kissing and holding position then pulling away and moving to the center of my forehead. Then another kiss to my eyebrow. I open my eyes, vision blurry and pull away to look up into green eyes. Her eyes are droopy and dark; mine probably are red and puffy.

I say in a whisper, "thank you for that. You make a nice pillow for my sad, chafed face."

"Anytime Detective," she says and inhales deeply.

"Call me Olivia."

"Okay…Olivia," she says my name as if she is tasting the syllables, her lips slightly parted.

I hear her gasp and look into her dark eyes, now only inches from my own, her wet lips pressing against mine as I kiss her mouth. She tightens her grip around my shoulders, her mouth pressing back into mine. I let my eyes drift shut as we exchange gentle kisses.

I lean away from her, breaking the kiss and ducking my head in shame at what my body has done. "I'm sorry Miss Novak."

"It's Case to you. I'm gay so no hard feelings. And I'm not sorry for kissing you." She leans into me, ducking her head until she catches my gaze. She looks at me, into my recently bared soul. And I gaze right back, pushing my fear of her, me, my grief, far away.

I whisper, "Too soon. It's too soon, and I'm not ready for this. I'm not sure I want this. My body does…but…"

"I know your not. This is a heat of the moment thing but…I admire you. I'm here if you need me. Please don't feel ashamed to call me at any hour. Alex mentioned once when we were having coffee that you kept to yourself. Just know that I'll be your friend and here for you when the time is right." Her arm slides down me and away. She scoots over on the couch, giving me personal space. _Very perceptive of her_.

I wipe my nose on my sleeve, dot my still watery eyes with the handkerchief one final time, and stand up on shaking legs. I tip the cup to my dry lips and guzzle down the rest of the now warm liquid, crumbling the cup and throwing it into her bin by the couch.

I gaze down at her and say, "thank you again Case, and please know that I will call you soon for personal reasons."

She nods at me and replies, "please do Olivia." She points to the soaked cloth between my fingers and says, "keep it."

"Thank you." I turn on my heel and walk out of her office. I feel better walking this hallway now then I did half an hour ago. My heart doesn't hurt as much.

As I walk by Alex's former office, I stop and place my palm against the cool wood frame and say in a whisper, "goodbye my love. You left and I need to move on." I let my hand drop to my side.

I take a step and continue down the hallway, touching the soft handkerchief quickly shoved into my leather jacket pocket as I sniff away my grief and think about what my future will hold without Alex in it.

I step outside of the ADA's building and stop moving. My eyes flick up to the sunny sky, taking in the light and letting it overpowers the dark cloud of my grief. I step down the stairs and walk back to the precinct, my heart light for the first time in four weeks.

**A/N: I laid on my couch tonight as a storm raged outside and watched my SVU DVD collection. I grabbed my laptop after watching 'Loss' and started writing, this is what I ended up with. I hope you like it.**

**Keep your SO close by for hugs when you reach the end though, it's a pretty sad piece, had me crying like a hormonal lady. Totally trashed my baby butch status with my roommates.**

**Please don't send flames for any bad edits, I just uploaded after I finished it. :+)**


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